The
Style Invitational Week 1005: Send us the bill
By
Pat Myers, Thursday, January 10, 2:10 PM
The
Heck-Custer Act to Promote Less Vulgar Putdowns.
The
Kildee-Barr Resolution to commemorate the precociousness of Davy Crockett.
The
Salmon-Meadows Act to promote alternative fish farming.
Like
many Washington area residents, the Empress takes a great interest in the
outcomes of congressional races every two years. And like more and more
Americans these days, she tends to hope for an infusion of fresh blood in the
House and Senate. But more than most Americans, she hopes foremost that the new
members have names that can be combined into something sounding like a phrase
or even a sentence. Yes, it’s time to welcome the freshmen of the 113th
Congress with our biennial joint-legislation contest: Name a piece of
legislation “cosponsored” by two or more of the 98 new House and Senate
members, as in the examples above; the
names include House members who moved to the Senate. (We didn’t want to wait
around for the two current vacancies to be filled.)
The
new members:
Baldwin;
Barr; Beatty; Bentivolio; Bera; Bridenstine; Brooks; Brownley; Bustos;
Cardenas; Cartwright; Castro; Collins; Collins; Cook; Cotton; Cramer; Cruz;
Daines; Davis; Delaney; DelBene; DeSantis; Donnelly; Duckworth; Enyart; Esty;
Fischer; Flake; Foster; Frankel; Gabbard; Gallego; Garcia; Grayson; Grisham;
Heck; Heinrich; Heitkamp; Hirono; Holding; Horsford; Hudson; Huffman; Jeffries;
Joyce; Kaine; Kennedy; Kildee; Kilmer; King; Kirkpatrick; Kuster; LaMalfa;
Lowenthal; Maffei; Maloney; Massie; McLeod; Meadows; Meng; Messer; Mullin;
Murphy; Murphy; Nolan; O’Rourke; Payne; Perry; Peters; Pittenger; Pocan; Radel;
Rice; Rothfus; Ruiz; Salmon; Schatz; Schneider; Scott; Shea-Porter; Sinema;
Stewart; Stockman; Swalwell; Takano; Titus; Valadao; Vargas; Veasey; Vela;
Wagner; Walorski; Warren; Weber; Wenstrup; Williams; Yoho
Winner
gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style
Invitational trophy. Second place receives the small metal sign pictured on
this page; it hung on the Empress’s front door last weekend when she took a
turn hosting the Losers’ Post-Holiday Party, a potluck and song parody fest
that drew some 65 Losers, their handlers and the Merely Curious. Donated by Nan
Reiner.
Other
runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired
Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First
Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their
first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday,
Jan. 22; results published Feb. 10 (online Feb. 7). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week. Include “Week 1005” in your e-mail subject line or it might
be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the
alternative headline for the “next week” line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report
from Week 1001, in which we asked for original acronyms
and other abbreviations, a la our own Bob Staake’s PIMPL (peeing in my pants
laughing):
The
winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
BHH:
Bless his heart. The Southern way to finish a nasty comment. “Billy is such a
pathetic SOB, BHH.” (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, Md.)
2.
Winner of the “vampire butterfly” bubble wand and nose-shaped pencil sharpener: FLASC: Fake-laughing at stupid comment.
“Everyone was doing major FLASC on the boss at the staff meeting today.” (Arden
Levine, New York)
3. CYANATA: Cover your behind, never admit to
anything. “Time to go on ‘Meet the Press.’ CYANATA.” (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
4.
WSEAD: Worst sex ever, almost done.
(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
CUS:
Came up short — honorable mentions
NOe:
No biggie. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
CURAP:
Completely unnecessary rules and procedures. “I have to submit my tweets in
triplicate? Talk about a bunch of CURAP.” (Skip Livingston, Hopewell, N.J.)
BOFFDA:
Been online for four days already. “The giggling-otter meme? Eh. BOFFDA.” (Doug
Frank)
CTRL:
Can’t text — ’rents looking. (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, Md.)
DITCH:
Drove into truck — call for help. “b home soon, on bway. uh oh DITCH.” (Joe
Neff, Warrington, Pa.)
DODO:
Department of Defense official. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
LAPTOY: Looking at porn, thinking of you. (Chris Doyle, Ponder,
Tex.)
FOG:
Old guy. “Arggh, a FOG’s slowing traffic in the left lane.” (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)
LALOF:
Living a life of fiction. “He thinks he’s gonna score with HER? He is so
LALOF.” (Dale Hample, Silver Spring, Md.)
STFU:
Sincere thanks for understanding. Use this to express appreciation for
someone’s comment, and be sure to say “you’re welcome” when someone sends it to
you. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
TABWAT:
Taking a bath with a toaster. “Saying that to my wife would be utter TABWAT.”
(Dale Hample)
UPCHUCK:
Ugh, parents coupling — hear unrestrained carnal knowledge. (Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)
NERP:
Not even remotely possible. (Skip Livingston)
OMPED:
Oh my possibly existing deity! (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)
RACK:
Relevant as a couple of Kardashians. “Jesse James’s opinion on gun control is
RACK.” (Andy Promisel, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)
IGNORE:
In great need of rapid examination. Use to mark urgent communications. (Roger
Hammons, Ashburn, Va.)
SNOR:
Something no one reads. “Facebook privacy settings? SNOR.” (Kevin Dopart)
MEATLOAF:
Moth-eaten aardvark tasting like old ankle fat. “So what’s for lunch in the
cafeteria today?” (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
MHIFOE: My hovercraft is full of eels. (John Shea, Philadelphia)
DOH:
Disastrous one-time hookup. “She was fun last weekend — headed for the doctor
now. DOH.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
JIHAD:
I hate jokes about dyslexia. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
NYRAB:
New Year’s resolution already broken. “Sneaked out for a quick puff. NYRAB.”
(Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv)
MABU:
Missing as Britney’s underwear. “Where were you last night? MABU again!” (Bill
Smith, Reston, Va.)
MAYAN:
Much apocalyptic yammering about nothing. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
PEWEE:
Perfect in every way except endowment. (Tom Witte)
WABOB:
What a bunch of bull. “Put guns in schools? WABOB.” (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
WAUGAS:
Who among us gives a [something]? (Cathy Lamaze)
WWIF:
Wait while I flush. “I’ll upload the pic I just took — WWIF.” (Kevin Dopart)
PICBIRD:
Pretending I care but I really don’t. “Sry yr parents r getting divorced.
#PICBIRD.” (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender)
TTTTTTTTTT:
Thumbs too tired to text today. Try texting tomorrow. Till then, ta ta. (Robert
Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Acronyms
to supplement LOL:
GUMBE:
Giggled until my bladder emptied. (Mark Holland, Danville, Va.)
LOLIGAG:
Laughing out loud in giant animated giggles. (Robert Schechter)
SMOOON: Spewing milk out of one nostril. (Chris Doyle)
Anti-LOLs:
LAYNWY:
Laughing at you, not with you. (Robert Schechter)
OSCC:
Only sound: crickets chirping. “Yuk yuk. Hilarious. OSCC.” (Michael Reinemer,
Annandale, Va.)
FEFSI:
Funny enough for the Style Invitational. (Robert Schechter)
Next
week’s results: Wring Out the OED,
or Oxforgeries